LET GO Instead of Give Up

Let go or give up

The two babies of this house have polar opposite ways of starting off the day. Christina wakes up like a small angry tornado. After about 30 minutes of thrashing around, coughing, yelling, and usually at least one large throw up, she settles down to look at the day like a reasonable human being. It’s safe to say she’s not a morning person. Jed, on the other hand, is more or less delighted to find himself in his bed upon waking up, is thrilled to death to see any human face, and is so full of things to chatter about and smile at that he can barely contain himself. It’s the same morning for both of them. One child is going to endure it with the greatest protest possible while the other is going to enjoy it thoroughly. I have a choice everyday, no matter what is in that day, to … Continue reading

Happy Sweet 16 (days that is), and 16 random thoughts to celebrate

Happy Sweet 16 (days) to Jed

Baby Jed is 16 days old. After all the lead up, all the doctors appointments, all the trepidation, I can’t say I wasn’t relieved to finally see his little face in person. And here we are on day sixteen for my little man who was never supposed to make it this far.  The day that Jed was born went as wrong as wrong could get. We had a plan. All the “ologists” had talked. We had a date. I knew where I was supposed to be, and who was supposed to be there, and what what supposed to happen. Except that crazy kid did his own thing and came at the wrong time in the wrong hospital in the wrong way without the right people having time to know he was coming. And oddly? It all worked out just about perfect. Which is exactly how you know God was looking … Continue reading

A new chapter: The mini comes home

trach baby in home set up

It’s been two months since “the mini” came home. The day she came home was one of the best and scariest days of my life. Two whole months home! It feels like such an accomplishment, which is a weird thing (and probably socially unacceptable) to say about your baby coming home from the hospital, but it’s true. You would think that by the time a third kid comes along you would have this parenting thing down to a science. You would think. Unless of course the third kid is a one pound micro preemie who completely rocks your world and destroys everything you thought you knew about baby care. Well, not everything I guess, diaper changes and spit up seems to be a pretty universal baby skill. But as for the rest of my hard earned mothering credentials, I can pretty much chuck them out the window. The mini came home with … Continue reading

Lessons on gratitude from a preemie

Lessons on Gratitude from a Preemie

Today my mini girl turns seven months old. I can hardly believe it’s been over a half a year since I first met her tiny little self. In a few weeks she will be coming home. Home!! As in, I can see her anytime I want, home! As in, this really is my kid to keep, home! As in, yes your sister does exist, home! After seven months of daily hospital trips…seven months of starting every day with a phone call to the hospital to see how she did last night…seven months of praying with the big girls for baby sister to “feel better”…seven months of life revolving around the happenings in the tall building on East Cheves Street…it all will change to a whole new normal that is on the one hand excessively exciting, and on the other, completely terrifying. Terrifying because I’m the mom who can barely stomach … Continue reading

God is still good, even when you have problems

Hospital Life Continues

I was feeling good that morning, the sun was shining, I was humming a tune, and my new orange tote bag was just the exact right shade to nod a cheery greeting to the crisp feeling of Fall in the air. We had just got our little mini girl back to our home town hospital from her six week stay at a different hospital an hour and a half away, and I was fairly skipping across the parking lot with happiness to be back “home”. I twirled into the elevator and bounced down the hall looking forward to a few hours of rocking my girl and chatting with the new nurses. One step into the room, one glance at the IV sticking out of the fuzzy little head that hadn’t been there when I left, one glance at the machine with it’s taunting numbers, and my happy feeling slowly drained away and wafted … Continue reading

NICU day 70

nicu day 70 from a parent's perspective

This is the highlight of my day, this is also the dread of my day. This place holds happiness and tears, hopes and fears. I can do this part with my eyes closed. This is the easy part. Park my truck, smile at the door greeters, punch the elevator button for the third floor, walk past the giraffe painting on the left, round the corner to the wash room, scrub my hands and arms with soap that makes my palms itch, grab a clean yellow hospital gown from the cabinet. Sigh. The arms are inside out. Again. I wonder if I’m the only one who finds this annoying. Mash the button outside the windowless double doors labeled Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It’s a new girl at the desk today, she doesn’t recognize me in the camera. I identify myself. It never feels right, this routine of asking permission to see my baby. The doors … Continue reading

3 Ways to Avoid Spiritual Drift

canoe

Canoeing is right at the tippy top of my list of favorite things to do. Nothing beats sliding through the water on a hot summer day to the tune of splashing paddles and the lap of water. I’ve canoed on lakes, bays and rivers and I can tell you this much. I would heaps rather paddle down a river than up a river. The peaceful outdoor adventure of a leisurely downstream float takes on more of the look of a focused effort not to have a stroke on the return trip upstream. Forget looking at the birds and feeling the breeze, you won’t even feel your arms much less a breeze! Paddling upstream in a stiff current is no joke, and takes a ton of focus and energy. Seasons in life ebb and flow a lot like currents. Sometimes we find ourselves in an upstream situation so absorbed in nothing more than the effort to move forward, … Continue reading

What a micro preemie taught me about Mother’s Day

My Micro Preemie

I’d never seen the short brown haired lady who appeared at my bedside before. A kind face with intelligent eyes looked intently at me while she spoke slowly and clearly so I would understand. She was a representative from the land of sick babies, here to explain words I’d never even heard before.  Neonatologist. Five hours previously I couldn’t have told you what that word meant. Even now I just knew that it was code for “smart person who knows a lot about tiny babies”. Please just go away. You are a busy person, and our baby is fine. I’m only here for observation, don’t you know that? Even as the thoughts swirled through my brain her voice droned on and on…statistics of survival, probable and possible problems micro-preemies face, typical treatment plans…not the sort of information any mom ever plans on hearing, let alone having to understand. And then she was gone, and … Continue reading