Is my excuse really my reason?

excuse or reason

It was somewhere between three months and seven and a half months into Christiana’s short, but dramatic life that I remember dully listening to another mom gushing about her daughter. Words meant to be encouraging landed like slaps to my heart. “We just had a lot of faith,” she said. “We prayed, and prayed, and our daughter made it home with no ventilator, and is so much better than they ever thought she would be. You just have to have faith.” I remember smiling politely and walking away. Have faith echoed from my footsteps down the hospital hall. It chuckled mirthlessly in the silent elevator. It jeered at me from the back seat of the car driving home. We had faith. We prayed. And then we picked our in home nursing care, installed electrical outlets for a ventilator, learned to change a trach, and memorized emergency procedures for keeping a baby … Continue reading

Bitter, Better, or Jesus

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     I don’t have anything new to write about. No really, I don’t. I have fought and fought in my mind about this blog, about writing, about whatever happened to that women five years ago who painted furniture while two healthy little girls napped, and blogged pictures to amuse invisible friends in cyber space. I have always thought the day I got my first glimpse of my squirrel sized premature third daughter, was the day the door to my former life snapped shut and sealed itself impenetrably. There was no going back to the “shall we have taco’s for dinner or go out” life of luxury style problems. Her birth pealed a layer away to a deeper view of life that once seen, can never be unseen. As if a door to another world had opened and swallows us, we found ourselves lost in a maze of terrifying scenery. … Continue reading

I’ve had all I can take!

I've had all I can take

I’ve had all I can take. Have you ever said those words? I’ve said them. I clearly remember glaring at the row of shiny metal buttons in the children’s hospital elevator after Jed had some bad blood work, and I was told we would have to stay for a few days (which turned into months and a cancer diagnosis). I stabbed the number eight button, giving everyone around me a steely look which defied them to be brave enough to smile at me, much less dare to speak to me, all the while muttering in my mind, “I’ve had it, I’ve had all I can take!” I remember the day I brought Jed in for a hearing screen. The audiologist told me he was significantly deaf in both ears, and we should expect to get him cochlear implants in the future. I don’t know why, but for some reason after … Continue reading

Nothing will be Lost

hope for the new year

Every mom ever to live in the history of mankind (well that’s my theory anyway) has sighed at least once in her life after walking into a room, stumbling over fifteen different toys and projects scattered all over the floor, and seeing absolutely no children in sight on which to pin the blame. While a half done art project makes my scalp itch, my children do not seem to be at all afflicted with any such sentiments. Partially colored papers, and a thousand pieces of paper cut up for no actual discernable reason seem to be all the rage at my house. Occasionally, I attempt to offer a more logical explanation (other than I might have a stroke in the next 60 seconds if this mess is not cleaned up NOW!) as to why half-finished games and projects are not fun nor conducive for future life skills…sadly my attempts seem … Continue reading